Total Random Warrior Cats
by Lilystar of New Zealand
Summary: REDONE: Total Random Warrior Cats! Parties! Booze! Gatherings and so much more! (R&R, ideas are appreciated)
1. Chapter 1

Total Random Warrior Cats

... Chapter One ...

Everything was well in ThunderClan camp. Brambleclaw was sending out patrols, Cinderheart and Lionblaze were sharing a vole and Greystripe had just gone out hunting.

While the grey sidekick passed ShadowClan territory, he noticed a strange Twoleg package.

"Hmm, I'll take this back to camp!" He decided, and ran back with the package in his jaws.

"What did you catch, Greystripe?" Firestar asked curiously.

"Oh, a Twoleg thing." He answered, and ripped it open.

Inside lay two full bottles of beer.

And that was how it all began.

... Hours later ...

"PARTTTYYYYY!" Sandstorm shrieked. Herself, Firestar, Greystripe and Onestar, who had randomly joined the party, were on the Highledge, dancing like drunk idiots.

Correction: They WERE drunk idiots.

Lionblaze was handing out weed and muttering under hid breath about how Spottedleaf dealed it by the lake. Greystripe jumped into the crowd of drunk cats but fell on the ground. Dustpelt was doing the crump in a bikini.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" He shrieked as he spun like a ballerina.

... At The Gathering The Next Day ...

Though ThunderClan was now kind of sober, they twitched and occasionally punched another in the eye, or screamed "THE ALIENS ARE COMING!"

Blackstar and Mistystar were staring at the hungover Onestar and Firestar.

"Err, Firestar? Onestar? What is wrong with you?" Mistystar asked curiously.

"We have discovered a drink sent by StarClan! Its called booze. And it tastes WONDERFUL." Firestar slurred, then toppled off the tree.

"Right..." Blackstar meowed sarcastically. "Sent by StarClan? Please."

... In StarClan ...

"Blackstar has no faith!" Bluestar announced as she watched the Gathering. "Of course it was sent by us, who ELSE would've sent it?"

"Twolegs?" Oakheart suggested.

"Birds?" Sunstar put forward.

"A Barbie doll from outer space?" Swiftpaw grinned.

"No Swiftpaw, it isn't." Spottedleaf told him.

Swiftpaw began to cry. "Its never Barbie!"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Total Random Warrior Cats.

... Chapter 2 ...

Firestar was busy playing Plants VS Zombies on his ClawPhone, when Greystripe lurched in.

"Firestar! Firestar! Sandstorm was getting your sandwich when she was attacked!" He cried.

Firestar jumped up. "Its the sandwich okay?!" He asked wildly. "Yes, yes, but we must hurry or Sandstorm might live!"

"Dear god!" Firestar muttered as they ran to the medicine den.

... In Twoleg Nest ...

"Princess!" Smudge hissed. The two were in the hideout of KittypetClan.

Smudge was the leader and Princess was the deputy. "Princess, you look like Firestar's daughter, Leafpool. You must go there, disguised as Leafpool, and get all their secrets!"

The two cackled evilly and set out.

Princess soon found Leafpool outside of camp. She knocked her out and ran into the camp.

"Hi everyone!" She called. Firestar ran out of the Medicine Den.

"Leafpool! Your mother was attacked, and she might live! You've got to stop her from living!" Firestar shrieked hysterically. Princess was bewildered.

"Er, don't you want her to live?"

"No! All she does is nag, nag, nag, whine whine whine!"

Princess nodded slowly and went to Sandstorm.

"This clan is WEIRD..."

...

"Willowleaf, Sandstorm, Cinderheart." Firestar called. "Can you go on a patrol to the lake?"

"Sure!" Willowleaf exclaimed enthusiastically. Sandstorm was glaring daggers at her. The patrol of she cats set off towards the lake.

The lake wad a strange brown colour. "Hmmm..." Cinderheart muttered and began to drink from it. "Hey! It tastes like booze!"

Her voice carried around the lake, and soon all of ThunderClan and WindClan were splashing in the lake.


	3. Chapter 3

Total Random Warrior Cats

... Chapter Three ...

"WE HAVE DISCOVERED SOMETHING AH-MAY-ZING." Firestar yelled at the next Gathering. He held up a black book.

"A book about apples?" Someone shouted.

"NOT JUST ANY BOOK ABOUT APPLES! TWILIGHT, A BOOK ABOUT SPARKLY FAIRY APPLES!" Firestar shouted.

Soon everyone was reading it. As soon as the leaders were done, Mistystar cried "Team Edward!"

"No, Team Jacob!" Onestar protested.

"TEAM EDWARD!" ShadowClan and RiverClan screamed.

"TEAM JACOB!" ThunderClan and WindClan declared, ripping their pelts to reveal Team Jacob t-shirts.

There was a strike of lightning. Everyone looked up at the moon, which was now a copy of Jacob's face.

Blackstar fell to his knees in hysterical tears while Onestar and Firestar gloated.

"Seee! StarClan AGREES with us! Hah!"

... In StarClan ...

"What can I say? Jacob's hot." Bluestar smirked.

"Noeth, heeth iseth noteth."

The leader turned to see the four original leaders; Thunder, Shadow, Wind and River.

"Ew. Go away." She mumbled.

"Jacobeth iseth a stupideth dogeth." Shadow nodded.

"Yeseth." River agreed.

The normal cats slowly backed away. "Mommy, I'm scared." Mosskit whispered to Bluestar.

...

While Greystripe was 'hunting' (A.K.A stuffing his face), he met a black she cat setting a bush on fire.

"Hi. I'm Greystripe. Who're you?" He asked.

The black she cat looked up. "Hey Gaystripper, I'm AWESOME KITTEH."

Greystripe blinked. "Awesome kitty?"

"SAY IT IN CAPS IDIOT!" AWESOME KITTEH roared.

"Okay, okay!" Greystripe cried.

"Good. Now, Gaystripper, wheres your camp?"

Greystripe led the green eyed she cat back to camp.

"Everyone, this is AWESOME KITTEH. AWESOME KITTEH, this is everyone." Greystripe introduced her.

"Hi Awesome Kitty." The clan chorused.

"SAY IT IN CAPS, DUDE!" AWESOME KITTEH yowled, her matches at the ready.

"Okay!" The clan shrieked at the in need of Anger-Management she-cat.

"Good."


	4. Chapter 4

TOTAL RANDOM WARRIOR CATS 1.

"Doo doo doooo." Firestar hummed as he texted Spottedleaf.

The clans had recently learnt about iPaw's, and Firestar currently had an iPaw 3.

Onestar had an iPaw 4. Firestar loathed him for that.

Sandstorm walked into the den, saw he was texting Spottedleaf, then had a huge hissy fit.

"HOW DARE YOU TEXT THAT SHE-CAT... UNGRATEFUL MATE... HOW DARE YOU... STUPID BOTTLE CAP... LOST YOUR FISH..." Firestar only heard snippets of what he told her.

"WOMEN!" He yelled, then grabbed his rocket launcher. "C'mon, Brambleclaw, Ashfur, lets go hunting."

Sandstorm didn't notice he was gone and continued to rant.

...

"TONNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHT TT, WE ARE YOUNG!" ThunderClan bellowed. Firestar rocked out on the Highledge until Brambleclaw pushed him off.

Lionblaze shiftily dealed out catmint, peering around drunkenly.

Then the Cat Police burst in.

Lionblaze ran off screaming, the crowd dropped Firestar like a hot potatoe, and Ashfur stopped chugging at the beer table.

"RUN!" Cloudtail shrieked as he was dragged off.

...

Firestar peered around the corner of Wal-Mart. Nodding backwards to his clan, he snuck across the abandoned carpark.

They snuck past the high twoleg who was locking up and looked around the store.

"Its darker than I thought it'd be." Greystripe nodded to the pitch black store.

Jayfeather sighed agaitatedly and flicked on the lights.

"Ooooooohhhhh." The all cooed. Greystripe took one look round, then dived into a food bin.

The kits headed to the toy section, the apprentices to the magazines, queens to the clothes and warriors to the cars.

Soon Firestar found a huge trailer and the carted the entire stock back home.

The next day when the twolegs walked in, nothing was there.

...At Ze Gathering...

The clans all stared at each other.

Something was... different.

Onestar and his clan had fluffy pink fur and huge scowls on their faces.

Firestar and his clan were stumbling around drunkly and shrieking at random moments.

Mistystar and her clan all had white faces, studded collars and red wrists.

Blackstar and his clan looked happy. LE GASP.

"Sooo... who wants to go first?" Onestar asked dryly.

"I shall." Mistystar droned. "RiverClan has decided to follow the example of BloodClan and become emo. Hence the collars."

"Really? I thought you always looked like that!" Firestar exclaimed and began shrieking with laughter.

Mistystar stared at Firestar. Firestar stopped.

"I'll go next!" Blackstar mewed gleefully. "ShadowClan is fine and happy! Yipee!"

"Err, okay..." Onestar muttered. Then he meowed "Okay, so WindClan was pranked. Our fur is now pink."

"WE DID THAT! HAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA!" Firestar yowled, bursting into laughter. Everyone stared.

"Also, we have found another epic book." Firestar added. "It is called The Hunger Games. TEAM PEETA!"

"TEAM PEETA!" ThunderClan echoed.

Onestar, after reading the book, decided on Team Peeta.

ShadowClan and RiverClan thought Gale was better.

They looked to the moon for a sign.

It was Peeta's face.

"WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS BETRAY US, STARCLAN!" Blackstar cried, dropping to his knees.

Firestar laughed insanely.


	5. Chapter 5

Firestar was eating a pie.

Then the pie opened its mouth.

Yes, his pie had a mouth.

The pie said "Peanut Butter and Jelly will save the Fire."

So Firestar travelled around the word until he met a Tribe cat; the cats name was Jelly that Butters Peanut.

Jelly was ugly.

So Firestar dumped her in some water and she drowned.

The next season the forest burnt down.

...WHY RAVENPAW IS SCARED OF TIGERCLAW:

Ravenkit, a small, awesome little ThunderClan kit, was happily chewing away at a vole when a Warrior, Tigerclaw walked over.

"Hey, Ravenkit, I wanna show you something." The stupid, idiotic, evil- never mind. Ravenkit shrugged and followed him into a little cave.

The cave was Tigerclaw's evil lair. There was a giant wheel, a set of buttons, and a chimney.

Up the chimney was a Kittypet Tigerclaw had caught. Rusty or Reddy or something.

Ravenkit began to press random buttons, so Tigerclaw dragged him away and tied him to the wheel.

Then he evilly pressed a button and smirked as he began to spin.

"AHH! I'M ON A WHEEL!" Ravenkit cried.

"I'M STUCK IN A CHIMNEY!" Rusty replied, screaming his little head off.

"WHEEELL!"

"CHIMNEEEEEEY!"

...In Da Dark Forest...

"And then the elephant stopped pinching me." Clawface ended his speech.

"Thank you, Clawface, for that 'Wonderful' speech." Tigerstar's sarcasm woke up several sleeping cats.

It was the Bi-Annual Dark Forest Meeting. As you could probably tell, most of it was nonsense.

"Anyway, the next evil plan is to take all the skinny prey from ThunderClan and replace it with fat prey! They'll be so confused!" Tigerstar cackled. Several cats exchanged looks.

"Um, how about we put a blanket over the sun instead?" Hawkfrost suggested.

Tigerstar sighed. "Ugh, that'll work to."

...

"THE SKY IS DEEAAADDD!" Mousefur yowled.

"OH SHUT IT!" Cloudtail crankily replied, not opening his eyes. "You say that every day!"

Firestar opened his eyes and stumbled outside. It was pitch black. He screamed like a kit, then fell off the Highledge.

"Its true!" The leaders slightly muffled exclamation got everyone up.

ThunderClan looked up at the black, starless sky. Then at the ground.

Soon they were all rocking on the floor, sucking their un-posable thumbs.

There was some thumping. And crunching. And soon the entire WindClan clan were in the ThunderClan camp.

"Bro! What happened to the stars?!" Onestar squeaked. "I dunno!" Firestar shrieked. WindClan began rocking.

There was a girlish scream and a normal scream. Blackstar ran in, his fur in curlers, with Mistystar running straight behind him. Their clans followed shortly after.

"Whats going on?!" Blackstar asked in a high pitched whisper.

"The suns dead, mate." Onestar meowed sympathetically. Blackstar gasped; Mistystar raised a blue eyebrow.

They all ended up rocking on the floor... Back and forth... Back and forth...

...

"So, AWESOME KITTEH," Greystripe meowed.

"Yes?" The raven furred she-cat muttered, running a paw over her shiny gun. Greystripe eyed the gun.

"You have any brothers, sisters?" He asked carefully. AWESOME KITTEH had quickly become accepted in the clan, but refused to answer any questions about herself.

She had even 'demonstrated' what she would do if they kept asking her on Ashfur.

"Yeah, some sisters. 5." To Greystripe's surprise, the she cat answered easily.

"What're their names?" Greystripe pushed, but was cut off by a huge boom.

"WHERE IS AWESOME KITTEH."

"Dammit!" AWESOME KITTEH swore as the other cats shrieked. "You always have to ruin my fun!"


End file.
